Friday, October 30, 2009


Losing the grip

Im losing it, but you know what I dont care.
Thing after thing i keep getting bad news.
They arent major dramatic life changing events or anything
its just the little things that over time can really change
the way people think. Its like Ice, the longer you keep your feet in it, the less and less you
actually feel anything. Well the longer problems keep occurring the less and less you care about them.
Tomorrow I have a race and I know for a fact it is my last race. I would be disappointed but
Im not going to be, I have too much to worry about. I have been getting over everything and forgetting what
it felt like to be next to her, forgetting how I use to be, forgetting what the sense of accomplishment felt like.
I dont care though, that just means I make new plans, regenerate myself and start over.
It is never too late to try and change yourself.
Change for the good that is.
I know ill become a better and bigger person that what I was a couple weeks/months ago.
Good thing is new years is just around two corners right?

I wish so much...too bad

so much for you
so much for me
so much for everything we planned to be

too bad for us
too bad for them
too bad for everything we ever said

I wish i could
I wish you would
I wish for everything to be better understood...

Thursday, October 29, 2009


im upset with myself!
I lost my wallet again!!



I dont know what to say!
Its like the Class of 2009 took everything and left OH TEN?! with nothing!
My sister comes home from a cross country meet and I ask her how did the guys do?
She couldnt even say they did okay seriously.
I kind of feel ashamed because it took three guys to build up the program from scratch and hold up three league titles for three whole years in a row and seems like we would of taught at least one underclassmen something but results and actions show we did not. I go back every once and a while to check up on them and their mentality is so weak! Their mind set is set up for the very least and worse of all they are scared! The sad part is...they admit it. Fortunately, we switch out and go to a lower league next year...isnt that a benefit...

Soundless exposure

Im not liking this anymore,
I mean, people now getting blogs.
I feel like im talking to everyone
and i know its public but in my head
it seemed private
like nobody read it but it was still out there.
i felt that slight relief.
And now it feels like im just complaining to the world.

Lets go in the darkroom ;]

So I have a new hobby!
I have had this photography class for two months now and I found it somewhat interesting but not so much. Maybe it was cause the teacher is so stoic and boring and is always telling us what to do, how to do it, and TO DO IT. Its not all that amusing that way. But recently, I have been going alone and it is so much more relaxing! It is a hassle, however, you have to set up everything and then put it away. Aside from that, I love it! Its called free printing. They way you do that is by taking pictures of course, then you develop the FILM which is the worse part because in total it takes about an hour and thirty(imagine that for a set of 36 shots) then you move into the dark room! It gets a bit frightening sometimes, especially when I start remembering that movie SHUTTER! Anyways, from there you pick an image and you enlarge it shine the light at it and put it in the chemistry! Simple! The thing i like most is when you see the picture gradually coming to life! I enjoy the fact that it is like Photo shop but with one filter and none of the tools. If you want your picture with better values you shine more light if you don't you shine less light. If you ever have the chance to use a darkroom do it!!  oh and btw its not for this ok.  >>

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

break the barrier!

How I dont like Ulysses right now but at the same time I do.
He told me I suck at going up to people, which I do.
So im going to try to get over the fear of getting rejected and feeling stupid.
Im going to think of a buncha things to say to the girl I decide to
want to know why? Because I know that what i want to say is not going to come out as it is in my head
which is the fun part!! And sometimes I just like that feeling of doing something that to me is internally "adventurous." I must be the lamest person now but I dont care. Hey thats the first step to this fear or is it accepting that you have a problem? hmmmm.

Today is a Wednesday.

Lets start with my day :]
I woke up at 5 am
Went to school and it was FREEZING! Had one of the toughest workout yet!

I was in a group of three
me, my teammate and me; physiologically
We began running our mile at a certain race pace
the winds were hectic, coming right towards our faces
It was intense but we got through it.
By around the 4th one my body was aching
I felt like laying down but i didnt.
I completed it.
We had two more and these two would be the toughest because were all already worn out
I completed it.
We had 4 400's to go.
Take in mind this is not on the track its a course filled with branches, hills and stones.
This was walking into hell.
My body was collapsing and worst of all my mind was rattling.
I felt like puking and fainting.
I lost my necklace, my emblem!
Discouraged, I completed it.

I learned today that I can REALLY do anything if I choose to endure the pain.
I have had times where I really dont try because I do not want to hurt. I convince myself that I am doing okay. COMPLACENCY. The worst thing. As a runner I should not be complacent. I should never limit myself and If i reach my goals well then I should make tougher ones. If I hit those, then I should make even tougher ones! When one becomes complacent with oneself they begin believing that that is their best effort. I cant picture where I'm heading with this "running painting" I have drawn in my head but I can sure draw something of where I would want to be.

You + Me Can never be.

:D so i happened to see H&C at GBAY!

I fear that I will always be
A lonely number like root three
A three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sigh
Beneath a vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine
For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic
I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality
When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three
Has quietly come waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer
We break free from our mortal bonds
And with a wave of magic wands
Our square root signs become unglued
And love for me has been renewed.

Whats that rumbling?

Winter is on its way! nothing like good Southern California temperature.
So its back, soon enough it will start raining and it will be super cold! Its time to go and buy your coats and warm gloves so you can lay the fireplace with the lights off while you take sips of that sweet cup of hot cocoa and a thick furry blanket that seems to cover just about everything exept the very tip of your toes while you lay on a very comfy pillow. Anything better than that? Well if youre the lucky one you will have youre loved ones or more specificaly, significant other right by you sharing the warmth and sharing the same feeling. Unofortunately for me I dont have that so I think ill just bring my dog inside.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

lets start with something new tomorrow

take a new route and the way this blog is going.


you take a deep breath.
You did what you could
and you know you tried
so lay down flip those covers
and say goodnight.

you? me? and whats in between?

and when im sad and
my heart grows weary
i'll know what to do
ill go outside
and sing this song
i've written just for fun

and i'll sing
will be fine



its Tuesday, October 27, 2009.

im clueless about what i should type.

Monday, October 26, 2009


When will this curiousity die out.
its killing me. Am i the only one like this?!
Shit, I hate this aftermath and thee after, after that.
It seems to go away for some time then it quickly makes its way back.
This wondering of how everything is going, it drives me insane.
I try to turn back from it but all it does is put me in vain.
I know i should create an alternative road
But that same road leads me back to my source
I want to become amnesiac, mentally incapable
of remembering what Im completely capable
as in loving and caring
for another persons life time memories
Gosh how do I rid of it
this sweet simple oddity.
Die out already you craving curiosity !

Penny for your thoughts

Can I have a penny, for your thoughts?
As a matter of fact how about three
One penny for you
One penny for me
And one penny for our minds engaged
Not so sexually
Getting intimately closer
As we approach the climactic altitude
Of nude mental sensational conversation
cuz I’m trying to get to know everything about you
from the neck UP
So these are not your typical sexual poetical prose
I’m trying to close the door of an all too familiar freaky foreplay game
With which most people have chosen to approach you
While they’re trying to get deeply embedded in the fine fibers of your bed sheets
I’m trying to find and define the fibers with which your mind speaks
I want to engage you by putting a two carat solitaire diamond on your mind
and marrying your every thought
I want to lick every inch of every crevice so I can get an oral fix from each orifice
and taste your passionate imagination
I’d rather be naked and exposed holding you as we’re lying
And your crying while confiding and describing the tough times you had in life
And how you don’t know if you can keep a relationship
Long enough to be somebody’s wife
I want to feel the heartbeat of all your inner rhythms as they lead me towards your
warm wet waterfalls of feminine thoughts
And I’ll swim within ‘em from back strokes to breast strokes
I’m penetrating every entrance to your mind
Taking my time to find out everything about you
Did I ever tell you about how you fell asleep in my presence?
And your mere essence kept me up for hours
As I coward with this feel of a sexually unadulterated mental connection
And as you laid by my side I pushed my blinds aside
And took the time in the moonlight of that night
To county seventy-two eyelashes on the upper eyelid of your right eye
Because as you sleep
As you sleep they remain open slightly
And while we probably move too quickly into some sexual stuff
I’ve always cared more about the explicitly illicitness
that came from between your lips meaning your voice
so now I’m standing here ready to trade in all the sexual acts that we perform
for the chance to reform the very foundation and basis of our relationship
and I reiterate my opening statement
And I offer you another penny for your thoughts



Conference Championships @ Prado Park October 31st
Santa Barbara October 31st
Supergirls Cday! November 5
Turkeytrot sometime in November
I need a job in November 
LasVegas Marathon Possibly in December


its a good morning.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

ill make it easier for both of us

It still doesn't make sense to me and im still not fully convinced but like you said ill still have you in my heart with that little box full of hope for you incase you ever change youre mind (:

I swear

not by the moon nor the stars in the sky. People are so afraid of getting hurt! It really is unfair that they become so traumatized from past occurrences that they are blocking out anything that tries to come through. I have been stomped on many times and it may seem like I don't learn my lesson but I do except that i build myself up to the way I use to. I do not pretend and act like I have no heart, or go around with every girl from the start, I try to get to know one before I put them apart from all the others that really have no heart. That act like they don't need anyone, because if they dont then why waste time on them if they wont need me? It gets so complicated, this thing called LOVE. Its simple really, god should really grab a key and throw the thought of trying to fight against that will and bury it somewhere on a hill. I know it hurts and even if it punches you right in the gut it will heal, there are no such things as broken hearts, or you will die, just wounded ones. It is a funny thing though, and it really amuses me that I see guys and girls pretending to be heartless and have that dgaf mentality. I don't get it what do you accomplish? Preventing from being heart-break free? Shows how scared you really have grown to be. Just let things be dont fight it just accept it.

do you live strong?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

you upset me.

So if she can, i can too
Ill delete everything
the pictures, the messages, number, even the instant messaging.
Ill reboot myself but keep the files i need most
It shows how low someone can go
But im not caring anymore, its all getting old
my hearts been through too much its getting so cold
i try to write things to make me feel better
it works, but i think just writing up letters would make things even better

it hurts

to know that person you once knew
no longer knows you
it hurts to know that that person will do what it
takes to make sure they never remember you
to forget anything that makes them remind them of you
to try and block out what ever is about you
as if you dont even exist or ever cared for you
it hurts to know that selfishness is around you
nobody actually cares they just worry for you
so if it is going to be like this, then ill pretend like i never knew you.

So I went to a wedding today. Not just any ordinary wedding where you get the fancy rented out building and have the chefs cooking your dinner, and the very formal dance floor, but to one of those pretty-well fixed up backyard weddings. You know where they have the gazebos placed all around and have one piece of cement which is considered the dance floor type wedding. I mean I don't have a problem with that, the problem was the couple. It was not you're grown adults who are about to reach their high 20's but two simple teenagers or so "young adults" of the age 18!! The whole thing was so negative it makes me have second thoughts about ever getting married! hah. I mean everybody was like they are too young, they don't know what they're doing, its a mistake...but they're still happy for them? Any who's Ive known this girl for about 9 years and sorta grew up with her and to see her get married like this was sort of depressing. If you are happy then I mean sure go ahead, but this was absolutely not happiness of any sort from scrutinizing her reactions to the gifts, dancing, and just being with the "husband." It seemed so fake, so things like this just sometimes make you wonder is marriage still as serious as it use to be or are people considering it as one step forward you can easily step back from if you're not content?

You're Love Is Black. - Kaskade

Look out to the calm sea
I don't know why that I want to cry
When I feel this high
Nature seems to know me
So many times she's been below me
And so I sit and we dream
As my soul she tries to lift

Seems I lost my way last night
But I was reborn by daylight.
Seems I get another chance
Another chance to dance away
Now you bring your loving back
But don't you know your love is black?
And now your here pooring in the dark
'Cause you can't see inside my heart

Look out, your love is black
Look out, your love is black
Look out, your love is black

Close my eyes, and I can breathe
I can feel
What is right, what is true, what is real

Seems you lost your way last night
You were back here by daylight
And now your words are black and cold
And your lies are tired and old
Nature is calming me
'Cause your love was harming me
And now I shed that colder harm
I wasn't safe there in your arms

Look out, your love is black
Look out, your love is black
Look out, your love is black

It's true I loved you once
It's true you were once mine

I lost my way
I Lost my way
'Cause I lost my way
I lost my way
I lost my way

Friday, October 23, 2009

nocturnally inactive.

I've had some rough nights
And sometimes I wake up and feel like pulling out my deserted piano
from under my bed.
Playing a song, something like Where'd you go? I miss you so.

And sometimes I wake up because I get this nightmare,
not those ghostly encounters type shit
but where you reappear and are there with me type shit
the type where you're content in your imaginary bubble
but its all fake and wish you never awake but when the best part comes
it all goes away type shit.

And sometimes I wake up because Ive slept so much
so much it feels like I have hypersomnia and such
the type where you cant fall back asleep so now
it feels like I have Insomnia and such
So I take a pill and hope to fall asleep
but all that happens is I stay awake and happen to weep

And sometimes I wake up because I hear my phone ringing
and Im hoping its you calling but its just my alarm ticking
Its 5 am and a new day's beginning
So i get up look at myself and  it all starts repeating...

Im hanging onto an untied rope.

What do you do?
On a night like this.
trying to look through the darkness is my only bliss.
Who do you talk to?
What do you talk about?
Who do you talk about?

Im becoming so blunt with myself, or could it be I dont have anything to say?
I could speak of today, tomorrow, mayb yesterday?
what good would that do?
bringing up things that will only remind me of you...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I tend to be on this too much.

I spend hours typing up things. Most to be saved as drafts...


Lets start with the truth,
I want to be on top of the world
Not alone but there just me and you.
I want to be able to go wherever we want
forget about money, school, and all those typical issues.
I want to roam the fields side by side
not only that but maybe sit at home and watch cartoons
I want to be able to do whatver we want
to watch movies all night and fall asleep to ScoobyDoo?
I want to show you my passion and affection
sit outside and watch clouds pass by the sky blue
I want things to work and make you happy
but I know it wont happen because youre not real, youre untrue.

Why not date myself?

Everywhere I go, I see cute people with ugly people
And I can’t help but to ask myself, “what does she see in that guy?”
Inner beauty? Well I have a whole lot of that.
I see these happy couples and I used to think, “what do I have to do to get a girl like that?”
And then that evolved into, “what do I have to do to get a girl?”
Now I’m exhausted from thinking
Fatigued from trying to convince myself that I’m worthy of another being
Tired of looking but not really looking so it doesn’t appear that I’m desperate
Weary of being afraid to tell someone that I’m interested
In fear that they will avoid me
Consumed from being alone
No longer will I be at the mercy of women to like me
No longer will I try to look my best for women that don’t know that I’m in love with them
No, all that is finished. Finito. Complete-o, no more-o
From now on, I’m dating myself
I mean I’ve already talked to myself so I know my conversations will be good
I’ve always said I wanted to be with someone that’s just like me
Well, there’s no one more like me than me
It’s not like I’m dating my cousin or nothing
I looked it up. There’s nothing in the law books that say a man can’t date himself
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before
I amaze myself sometimes
I laugh and joke with myself on a lonely day
Praying hard for better days
Now we can get through the rough times together
No one to impress but myself
I mean I’ll probably still play games with myself
Cry to myself, lie to myself ‘cause I hate to hurt myself’s feelings
I’ll only be looking out for myself though
But you know how women are
Once they see you with someone, all sudden, now they wanna get with ya
All sudden I’m that cute guy that is dating someone now
Well I assure you I’m not doing this to make other women jealous
I am completely happy with myself
I like myself. I think I’m attractive.
Plan to be with myself ‘til the very end
Or until someone better comes along


what we want.

I want a love like
Me thinking of you
Thinking of me thinking of you type love
Or me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself
About how I feel about you type love
Or hating how jealous you are
But loving how much you want me all to yourself type love
Or see how your first name just sound so good next to my last name
And shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you
And I barely made it out of my garage

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep
And wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type love
Or who loves the other more
Or what she’s doing this exact moment
Or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts
Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good
Could hurt so much when she’s not there
And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type love
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
All around the how she she never forgets how much I love her type love
And not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type love
And hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel

And I want to deal with my friends making fun of me
The way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love
Only difference is, this is one of those real love type loves
And just like in high school
I want to spend hours on the phone not saying shit
And then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me
And smell her all up in my covers type love
I want to try counting the ways I love her
And lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over again
And I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries
Even though they ain’t really anniversaries
But doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type love
And, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays
When none of us dialed into it type love
And talk to you until I lose my breathe
She leaves me breathless
But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan
To something allows me to talk to her longer
‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves
And I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time
To love you as long as I’d like to type love
And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter
Just thinking about how strong this love is type love
And I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
Maybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustache
But it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for her

And check this, I kind of feel comfortable now
So I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light
Just dying to get hit by a car
Just so I could lose my memory
Get transported to some third world country just to get treated
Then somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with you
In a different language and see if it still feels the same type love
I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is
But I dont have her, so when i find her she’s gonna be the one I share this love with



Dicen que los amores vienen y van
Dicen que de los amores unos se olvidan
Dicen que del amor uno pierde el tiempo
Dicen que del amor a uno le queda el arrepentimiento

Pero lo que no dicen es lo que pasa en realidad
Que hay veces que no todo es verdad
Hay personas que no tienen tanta suerte
Porque no tienen el corazón tan fuerte

Hay personas positivas que quedan con un corazón partido
Porque lo que sentían era muy fuerte para sus sentidos
Lo que sintieron era mucho para explicar
Tanto que no les quedaban las ganas de fortificar

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I was

going to stop posting blogs because I keep talking about the same subject but.....

SUPERGIRL is going to start "reblogging"??

the end.

I Bite my tongue while you have none.

"I was gonna spell it out
In detail but
I dropped the call
Before I spilled my guts
The floor stayed clean
Like my conscience would be
'Cause if you heard anything
You didn't hear it from me

In the morning I was thinking about how I was so afraid of confrontations. I still am but not as much as I was before. It was one of my fears that im gradually learning to overcome. I really hate how it feels when you want to ask something but you just let it slip away because you're worrying about making yourself look dumb. There is that kind of simple feeling of rejection but then there is the much more intense type. Like telling a girl how you feel, asking somebody on a date, going up to someone you do not know, and when you need to tell something to someone but you cant.

I bite my tongue a lot! I see many many girls that I would go up to but I dont because I worry that they will reject me! its horrible but I choose to live with that burden. I am a hypocrite though. Most of the time I do not have the gut to tell what is on my mind to someone but I want them to tell me what they are "REALLY" thinking. An example: "I have to go" just say "i dont like you bye" haha. I mean that would be so much more helpful! People tend to imply what they mean a lot, sugar-coating, so it will not seem as bad as it really is. I wish I could read peoples minds so I can know who to stay away from ahead of time and who to go after.

Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear"

A life without You

Its not so much being alone, but being without you that hurts. Lay awake endless nights while I sleep the dreadful days away. Wither wither ..lifeless lyfe, for no sun nor moon can give me light, no miracle hope for faith is dead. And no courage to never wake. Piece by piece lost to hell. Heavens close before thine eyes. And peace is resting by your side. Breath is taken. No air remains. A feeling of choke yet no end. Tears run dry for there’s no emotion left in this heart of mine. Lies escape my lips holding more truths yet bear the essence of everything meaningless, for lyfe without you is not as it should be. Time, gives more life than me. Ticking pulse. How can I compete? For I am merely a tool that shows how time has used me. Bloodshot eyes say more than a thousand scars; no justice served , as my mind is forced to insomniac time. Taken from me…soul ravaged…u tell me y should I forgive? Limitations don’t exist. Impossible is me. I breathe without my air. And I live without my heart. Ticc ticc tocc…..
-BFF! M.P.

my heart is left in crutches.

At least I have something holding me up.

This phase of writing about how everything hurts and doesnt work out is slowly making its way out of the door. I think this might be my biggest alleviation. Though I am afraid that if I make my progress but have not created a strong enough base, will it instantly come back if IT ever crosses my path?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

my biggest fear.

There are many things I hate about life because the things that make you stronger are the worst. When you try to forget about something or someone, it just knows how to make you remember whether its in movies, songs, objects, pictures, locations etc. In this occasion when you loose someone you really cared for I SWEAR that in everything you hear or see your mind finds a way to connect it with them. How exactly would you deal with that? I mean I have been through this once and it was maybe not as worse but almost equivalent, the thing that helped me prevail was the fact that I was younger and my love for other things began emerging. Now, its like your getting older and time is narrowing down and you're just on the move to not end up by yourself you're whole life. Do you just let life go by and hope for the best? or are you suppose to go out and do something about it? What grow old alone?


so i was re reading one of my blogs, and i found out i messed up...!

im going

to need a pill to keep me awake for today...

Monday, October 19, 2009


on my face.


I really thought fondly of this topic along with disdain. Most of my realizations and most honest thoughts come while im running so here I go.

When you see somthing or hear about something that really really dissapoints you, most likely, you tend to overreact and throw your instant thoughts at it. Its the very few that learn to control that and be calm about certain situations. However, my imperfections have risen above and beyond lately and Im glad they have because it shows what I really need to work on.

I have scrutinized myself and have been trying to see how have I changed in the past months. I havent. I put myself in the eyes of others from different aspects and point of views. What is going on is a temporary thing, I have lost patience and might not be as gullible as before but thats a natural thing that developed over certain causes. I still respect people, know how to act and what to say and what not to say(even if sometimes i might get carried away) I still pour my heart to others because i dont think that just because one person threw that away that the next should not recieve the same, I still put the abundant amount of "haha's" to everything, and realistically I still think jello is the best thing ever.

However, there are the unnoticeable changes; the changes that people will not be able to see, the changes that prepare me for any future attacks. Those are the ones that will allow me to not break down as easily as I have. The reason why I wont take anything that has happened back.

I will sure as hell miss it but its not something I regret.

Our past is a story only existing in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

the urge!

Geez, this whole week I have had the biggest urge the TUBA! I mean its the thing I can really actually play and not suck at it like the guitar or the piano or the harmonica or anything else i have tried! I am going to find out where I can go and play for a few hours, it should be exciting! I have been thinking of returning to a band of some sort, maybe an orchestra; I mean i did love the feeling of being onstage and people knowing where you were because a guhe golden bowl was sticking out. I think if i do start playing again I might want to learn how to play the trumpet. It has been one of my desires since 7th grade. The only reason I never played it is because in the beginning of my band class when everyone was picking their instruments I was the last to pick and the teacher told me you should play the tuba, you will be the unique one, where in reality that was actually the only one there was left.(transitioning into a story now) I remember having to carry the darn 25 pound load of metal from school to my house and at that time 25 pound was alot! My right hand did get a little stronger though. I would love playing it especially at night so I can wake up the neighbors since they always played their spanish music on friday nights while i tried sleeping. I never really thought there was any other instrument that could of been heavier, until i hit the 9th grade. It was like a tuba on steroids! The darn sousaphone! This thing was like a snake, it wrapped around your chest and had to carry it on my back, i felt like a darn slave!

Anyways, I might go to school tomorrow to give it a good old try and see if I still have the spark!


Dont you just love it when something happens in your life and you know, YOU KNOW for a fact that what you are doing, or reacting to something is not right. After all that happens, a few weeks, months, or years later you look back and tell yourself "I was so stupid!" It happens alot to me, I mean there hasnt quite been one situation that I've looked back on and said I did the right thing. However, it may just be that I look at the unnoticeable mistakes and that's what learning from the past is. When i usually start hitting that phase I notice a slight transition. It means you are moving on, that youre opening your eyes and realizing its not worth it anymore, that you should stop wasting your time! I have not hit that phase yet, but I feel like it is just around the corner because of yesterday. I opened my life encyclopedia and started analyzing my past situations leading me to say "What the hell am i doing! I shoulda let it gone right after the first no!" about my recent predicament. I guess you do learn from mistakes, and one that I really need to fix is for me to stop being so STUBBORN! I need to soak in the fact that some things you just have to let go and somethings wont come back. Another thing is that I am too upfront, maybe I should hold back a bit. I tend to say exactly what I am feeling regardless of what the person thinks. Many imperfections! no wonder things are going the way they are!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

this one is for robert.

You want a girlfriend! Go to a paisa club! haha.

This is all you really need!

So today i was unexpectedly taken to one of those. I didnt think it was going to be such a good idea, but it ended up being pretty fun! The girls were the prettiest! Well at least some, I saw some that could of been my mothers! That is a complete fail! Well I end the day in somewhat of a decent composure and now I go to sleep under the stars and hope for another good day.


i had two challenges today.

first i had my race...then i was introduced too El DIABLITO!
this drink was so spicy it burnt my stomach! Regardless of it being so hot i could not resist it. It was simply addicting!!!
Anywhos. I had my first conference race today and Id say i did pretty good with a Usain bolt finish. Treated my self to four hotcakes and some bacon at Coco's(well coach did).

So on the way home I had a pretty good time singing to Single Ladies, live your life, and Use Somebody. My bro Vic and I rocked out!

I'd have to say the day is pretty good, for being a saturday. They days I adapted to spending differently in the summer. Well i have got to say blogging is quite helpful now that there isnt anyone to tell whats going on with me. Time to go celebrate Lilies Birthday. adieu.



Friday, October 16, 2009

a reboot would be nice.

Oh how i wish i was like a computer! Delete anything you want, reboot if it crashes, get an anti-virus to block out anything harmful. However, I would not want to have the limited memory capacity or the lagging of overworking it. Regardless of that a reboot would come in so handy right about now. I need to get myself together for at least one day! I have a race tomorrow, a conference dual-meet, that may be my last for this school. I really hope I do not pull a recap of one of my Santa Barbara races. I need to stop worrying about everything for the strenuous 27:15 minutes (thats what i plan on getting). I have my bottle of waters that I am drinking all night, I mean Im staying home on a friday night, even for the weekend, so I might as well go balls out so I wont reconcile on a poor performance.

shit. I thought today was thursday.!

mayb a little hope?

So i guess everything is catching up on me. I never...never really cared for anything. I was a selfish person, mentally. All started off with not being able to talk to anyone and feel that trust. Sure i can go ahead and tell people my problems but I have never really had any problems in the past, with the exception of one girl around my sophomore year, other than that a problem to me was: having a bad game, spraining an ankle, and just the common argument with somebody. I never had the backstabbing friend to worry about, or the cheating girlfriends(wait, i didnt have many) or even having to deal with financial problems at home. People would tell me about their issues and I would listen and care, but to a certain extent where I would just worry about myself. Now it is all happening to me, or so in different situations.

I have always known to be by myself, and I like it that way. Human interaction does not catch my attention so much. I would care less if I didnt talk to anybody, but god oh god how I wish i could find someone for a day and feel so comfortable I can tell them something and they would actually know what I was talking about. My days have been like roller coasters, I feel great one day or for a few hours, and then the problems tend to reappear and put me in the worst of conditions. The only positive reason I put in my head is this is all a test. A test to see how much I can handle and what I am able to overcome. Maybe its for future situations? I have no clue, but a little sign, or some type of hope would help out so much.

Church? god? never really believed as I am the type that I need to see it to believe it. However, I do have that little fate that there may be a possible someone who listens to everything I say. Maybe tonight he will hear me out...

Where do you draw the line?

I am a person filled with morals, and recently I have not lived up to them. I let my emotions distract my mental intellect. I really do not care what other people think about what I think is right or wrong, do or do not do, am or what Im not, know or do not know. What i do care is that they respect it. I do not lie about what I think or what i have done, but it really gets me going when people ask me the common question " Are you a virgin? " simply i say YES. It can be left at that but no, they keep it going with "what?! dude you need to go get laid." It is completely inappropriate. This generation is all about that though, and even if you say you are not part of it you are. I speak by experience. It is all about your surroundings; from the people you talk to, hang around with, and the way you express yourself. At one point the thought of losing it is going to cross your mind. Luckily for me I do not have a problem with that; I tend to resort to myself for most of my problems. However, there was a point in my life where I was around a group of individuals who spoke of nothing but sex, drugs, and fucking up in school. Certain things were rubbing in but not all; this gave me an insight but not an addiction to become like mostly everyone else. Such a fucked up mindset, that they put the wrong shit as their main priority.

It is all about morals, if you do not have any, you have have no respect for anything...not even youself.