Thursday, December 31, 2009

NEW YEARS EVE_

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want
Say what you want

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sunday, December 20, 2009

please?

I'd like to switch bodies and become a Na'vi.


Monday, December 14, 2009

So maybe

I didn't get to go out of state and run different types of terrains.
And today I guess I realized
Im going to have to suck it up and work with what I have.
Even if it means having to run the same RUN 100 times.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I found a letter telling myself.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

On the firt day

of christmas my true love said to me..



Hello.:)

Friday, December 11, 2009

I am starting to dislike people who have a rapid change of moods over nothing!
I just call them Bipolar even if there not.
It is gettting really annoying!
At one point theyre funny and what not and the next you tell them something and they get mad.!

fawk!
make me feel better

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,
seems like its been forever that youve been gone
please come back home.
ok so im weird.
so what?
I put on a hat in the house
I sing out loud and sometimes even talk to myself.
I dress up and say I have a presentation.
I say Im british and am in an engagement.
I say stupid things as well as, do them.
thats what she said? yeah i say that too.
I like to tie my shoes, double knotted, im too secure.
I drink Vitamin Water and eat alot of pop tarts
I talk to people to know the size of their heart
I run 8 miles just for fun
I try to make things wothwhile
and after im done I look at the sky try to see
little dipper and big dipper and all those other things that
make me chipper.
I then go to.. wait I forgot where i was going with this. i really did
So im on the end of my third week going to the gym and although there is massive improvement like before I started I weighed 145 now I weigh 150. 5 pounds gained. I have not ran for about two weeks with the exception of this one and I think its time to get back on it. School is nearly over. My last day is on Monday and after that it's nothing but a break. Im going to be doing two a days. Running my 6-7 miles in the morning and working about my 1-2 hours. I have nothing else or anyone else to worry about so I think Ill do this to pass my time. The new year is coming up and Im not sure if I should really wish her an early birthday before the new year or during the new year. Should I leave the last comments in this year? or bring them into the new one? Contemplating sucks. but w.e.

I've set some new goals for myself and am pretty stoked to achieve them.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

ill

come back to this in a few days.
Im feeling pretty content now a days and dont have much to complain about.

haha mayb ill start talking about good things?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

fawkk.

honestly, i miss my best friend from back in middle school.
I needa go back to Rosemead!

GILBERT!




TO HIS RESPONSE IN RELATIONSHIPS! haha

TO SARA!




This Video goes out to Victors mean girlfriend who doesn't like me in the "JK" form.


i think..

Sunday, December 6, 2009

City and Colour - The Girl




I wish I could do better by you,
'cause that's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

One, two, one two three four
I wish I could do better by you
'cause it's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
in order for this to work

While I'm off chasing my own dreams (my own dreams)
sailing around the world ('round the world)
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave and fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of Pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

isolate.


Visualize

"Hello"
I know, I know
You think I'm just like him.
Well, I am.
Not.
You see, I want to take you to a place
A place where you forgot you could go.
I want to take to you the highest heights,
but I know your scared so we'll take it slow.
You remember all the hurt men have caused you
I know you hold tightly to the pain,
Instead, I ask you beautiful Missus
Instead, say my name.
Close your eyes and say it again,
Whisper it as you reminisce
Think back to the time when, long ago
You enjoyed your very first kiss.
Remember that first time holding hands,
And the joy that came from that first love note.
Remember the first time you sighed at a boy
and the first "ahhh" that came from your throat.
Breath.
Now open your eyes
and see what I see,
something so Ocean
in You and in Me.
In We.
Stronger than
Heroin
and deeper than the waters my ancestors travelled
You don't know the half of what I see in you
So you sometimes are quite baffled
By my words, or my compliments but have no fear cause I only speak the truth
And there is no mirror on this earth
That reflects what I see in You.
You've been gone from me,
For quite sometime
But prodigal One welcome home.
I am a prince,
One day to be King
and beside me is your crown and throne.
Now I would never pretend to be your salvation,
cause that can only come from yourself,
I will always be here to support you
you have my energy, my heart, my help.
I know you thought I'm just like him.
but now you see we are not the same
So come with me lets journey to
that place before the pain.

I didnt fall in love

I didn't fall in Love
I've fallen in Trust
And to the both of us
That is a bigger thing
I'm not in it for the ring
Nor do I know what the future holds
So it would be bold
For me to offer more than me
You see
I didn't fall in love
Cause falling sounds like an accident
And to imply that would be to say
She wasn't heaven sent.
I didn't fall in love
though I've started to slip down that steep slope
I have fallen for faith,
for devotion, for hope.
I didn't fall in love
Cause to "fall in" would mean I'm through
Now if you asked if I was falling
Well, maybe that phrase would do.
I didn't fall in love
If you ask that's what I'll say
But I do look forward to falling
step by step and day by day.
I didn't fall in love.


Wait a minute...

As I Am

I've known you for a while now
after meeting down in alham.
and since that first night we met
I've been just who I am

We've been through many up's
and a few downs on our trek
and as we grow in who we are
Our journey let's never forget
The many times that we stood strong
when reality would say quit
How we held on to our dreams
And didn't listen to logic
At times I'm like a lion
and others like a lamb
but know I'll always be true to me so
Take me as I am

But help me grow towards the me
that I destine and work to be
through challenges and challenging me
My true colors, help me see.
I take you just the way you are
your far beyond beauty
but know that I will always strive
to support the "you" you want to be
My thoughts aren't always easy
to follow or understand
but know that I'm like no other
So take me as I am.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

loose yourself..

Look, if you had, one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?


Yo, His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now
The clock's run out, time's up, over bloah
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
No, he won't have it , he knows his whole back city ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stacked that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rap shitt
Better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him


You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo............

expression.

I shall tell you what to the last paper i couldn't.
I will make these pages bleed, darker red than any vengeful kill.
These pages will feel my pain slowly healing..if not further destroying.
These pages ....
I will write to remember....
These pages will receive no mercy for i have been placed no higher than filth
Oh! how these pages will scream my silent rage!
My wrath will do everything but tear these pages that will transform into an escape
These pages...keepers of my sanity, protectors of my spirit, healers of my soul.
These pages will store my hatred, the ink will suck the poison out of my viens.
These words will take the weight off my shoulders and these sentences will give me back everything that was taken.
Oh! how these pages will suffer...
Oh! how these pages will see the miserable life i led...
Paper Oh Paper are you ready for me???
Paper Oh Paper my words will last forever while i slowly fade...

!

i used to want this shit forever; ya'll can have it back

Who stone?

HueStone?
Who's ton?
HueStun?
Whostun?
HOUSTON?



:]

Monday, November 30, 2009

so maybe it was not so bad.

as one relation fails another prevails ;]

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Success.


If only I would have known. Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.
If only I had the right accessories, gear, support, coaches.
If only I knew what to do.
If only I was bit taller, bigger, stronger, faster.
If only I jumped higher.
If only I began from when I was little.
If only I had time.
If only I didn't do this or didn't do that.
If only I payed less attention to this.
If only I didn't give so many excuses
I would of been a professional.

It is a hectic world out there when it comes to business. People want their moneys worth.

The first sport I began playing my freshman year was Basketball. I did not know any of the fundamentals, any of the knowledge you needed to become the best. Along my four years I, very slowly, matured and what I wanted became clearer and clearer. I wanted to become better at what I did so each year I become more and more dedicated. More and more determined to become better.

I later joined track & field. I thought all i have to do is run and show up to practice. I did not have the killer mentality quite developed yet. I just wanted to "get faster" for basketball. The dream of becoming the best runner didnt cross my mind until my senior year. I never took running as serious as I did Basketball. Possibly it could have been because I did not have to commit to anyone but myself. In Basketball I had my best friends where I NEEDED to help us win. Running did not come as much of an importance.

I had missed participating in a sport during the fall due to my late enrollment at my school. My sophomore year really would determine my future, drastically. I join football or run cross country. If I join football I would get bigger and stronger but if i run cross country I get stamina and endurance. These sports were revolving around Basketball. WHAT would make me a better player? They somewhat even out. It never crossed my mind that you need to get big in Basketball if you want to play college ball. Its not a requirement but a high recommendation. I ran cross country.

Through my, i guess you can call it, Sports career I never considered running much of a priority until my senior year. I was starting to loose interest in Basketball mainly because of the players. They were not putting in the dedication I was, so i became selfish. Focus on the sport that YOU can benefit from. I decided to try and succeed in running. I kept a log during my whole summer prior to senior year. I logged about 550 miles in approximately 1.75 months. Thats about 275 miles each month, 69.2 miles a week, 9.6 miles a day. I was putting in work. I showed up during my season burning rubber.

I have always been about dedication and effort. If i really want something I work for it. The problem is once I get it, keeping it there. It hasn't really been until now that I feel myself maturing. I am putting in work into what I should of done in High school. What really amazes me is there is only about a 5 month difference in all of it. And I ask myself Why did I not do this back then? Why did I not have that determined mentality..sooner.?

STOP.

Siempre piensas que ha ti directamente te estoy hablando.
Aunque se parezca como te estoy hablando ha ti, no lo estoy.
Lo que escribo en esta pagina se compara con lo que personas me dicen durante el dia.
No deberias ser tan debil y mas importante no te brinques a las concluciones, porfavor...

I quit.

Hamburgers.
Fried Chicken
Fries
Soda
Candy
Pizza
Saturared Fats
High-Sucrose, fructose products
YOU.
yeah all the good stuff in life.

post scriptum

guess what.











Nice guys do finish last, but like on all lists, at one point, everyone does end up coming up to the last of the list.

Friday, November 27, 2009

My baby made me some coffee
Afraid that if I drink some it's probably coming right back out me
Couple of advil, relax and chill
At a standstill with how bad I feel
I think I need to smell fresh hair
So I stepped out the back door and fell down the stairs
The sunlight hit me dead in the eye
Like it's mad I gave half the day to last night
My bad sight made me trip on my ass right into that patch of grass like that's life
All of a sudden, I realize something
The weather is amazing, even the birds are bumpin
Stood up and took a look and a breath
And there's that bike that I forgot that I possessed
Never really seen exercise as friendly
But I thing something's telling me to ride that slow speed
The brakes are broken, it's alright
The tires got air and the chain seems tight
Hopped on and felt the summertime,
It reminds me of one of them Musab lines like

Sunshine, sunshine, it's fine
I feel it in my skin, warming up my mind,
Sometimes you gotta give in to win,
I love the days when it shines, whoa let it shine

If I could I would keep this feeling in a plastic jar
Bust it out whenever someone's actin hard
Settle down, barbeque in the backyard
The kids get treats and old folks get classic cars
Every day that gets to pass is a success
Every woman looks better in a sun dress
The sunshine's an excuse to shoot hoops, get juice
Show improve their moves and let loose
I hear voices, I see smiles to match em
Good times and you can feel it in the fashion
Even though the heat cooks up the action
The streets still got butterflies
Enough kids to catch 'em
Ridin my bike around these lakes man
Feelin like I finally figured out my escape plan
Take it all and the day started off all wrong
Somehow now that hangover is all gone
Ain't nothing like the sound of the leaves
When the breeze penetrates these southside trees
Leanin' up against one, watchin the vibe
Forgettin' all about the stress, thanking god I'm alive
It's so simple, I had to keep the song simple
When I get home I'm gonna open all the windows
Feelin all right, stopped at a stop sign
A car pulled up, bumpin Fresh Prince's Summertime
I just sit there
And let the thoughts flood
And I remind myself, "It's all right, it's all good, it's all love"
It's not though
Cause there's a kink in the armor
A pot hole I'm sinking in
While I think of the drama
So I stand up
Start to pace in my living room
Set my eye to the highway knowing that I'll play chicken soon
There's a vanity plate with my name on it
There's a Davey Crockett hat with a Masonic fat cat under it
A musket rifle spitting at my feet
They want me to dance in the middle of the street
And I respect my elders, so I do as I'm told
But I offset the bell curve when I do it with soul
Losing control
Guilty feet do have rhythm
They just dance to the wrong theme music to amuse the villain
Instead of killing, I'll spare the raccoon
And start filling sandbags as I stare at the moon and let the thoughts flood
Blessed are those who are dammed
When the levee broke
How many choked on the steps to a slow dance?
A staircase to a hug with no hands
Accountability hung out to dry on the line of command
We let the thoughts flood
We remind ourselves "It's all right, it's all good, it's all love"
It's not though
Cause there's a kink in the armor
A pot hole I'm sinking in
Sharing a drink with my father
It's a family affair
The vanity we share
The waterline is rising
All we do is stand there

annoyance!

Im starting to see why some of the more older crowd doesnt like MySpace!
You can go to a random 14-16 year old girl and see their photos. Its not the fact that you can see the pictures but what the pictures show. Even though some of them are blocked the ones that are open for public are VERY DISTURBING! On top of that there is this new thing where you tag someone elses picture and it shows up on your album. Most of them are body parts that are "owned" by the person who tagged  it. Its getting really annoying, because some of these people are trying to grow up way too quick and are starting to think they are at the same level as people older then them. I swear if my 15 year old cousin was to come up to me and try to say something about stupid to me I'd tell him let me see your friends on my space. And when he's not looking delete his account!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Simple words we never knew,
The power behind what they put us through,
Now it's all begun what it takes to make it real.
We're standing on the edge of this,
When our soul is gone what will we miss?
We lost what it takes to really, make it feel.

But the better day's behind us now,
We all need someone to tell us how
To save the state of where we are,
It keeps demanding more and more and more.

And who will save us?
This can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you save us?
Well I can't go on, out of rhythm with our time.

We hold these truths self evident,
The lies we used to represent
Who we are because it was never meant to be.
And all the songs we used to sing, they used to tell us everything.
All about how it was never meant to be.

Say the words, give it all the time you need.
Let it out, oh just say anything.
Say the words and make them count,
Say them loud without a doubt.
Give us truth and nothing more,
Leave us wanting more and more.

Can you save us?
This can't go on.
Without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you say? that you'll save us?
Well I can't go on
Out of rhythm with our time.
And can you say?
you say you'll save us?
I can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming
Can you say, that you'll save us?
Well I can't go on, out of rhythm with our time
We're out of rhythm with our time...

Thanksgiving.

Just another day.


Should be no reason not to give thanks everyday for what you have.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

i passed my 100th blog. whooops

I find it so hard to believe how much my life has changed from 2 months ago to now. How it changed from 4 months ago to those 2 months.

Trying to remember it is difficult. It seemed like a fantasy.

But one of those pictures puts it all together and reminds me..it was real.

INTENSE!

In 9 months! = 30 IBS. muscle.



ITS possible!

Don't Become

COMPLACENT with yourself.




You're bound to fail.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Giving Thanks

Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for pushing me.
Thank YOU for opening my eyes.
Thank you for letting me borrow your tripod.
Thank you for feeding me.
Thank you for helping me get through my problems.
Thank you for giving me a piece of your orange.
Thank you for going on my runs with me.
Thank you for making me realize I can do whatever I put my mind to.
Thank you for protecting me.
Thank you for being my team mate.
Thank you for being such good friends.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

What Am I doing?

Im getting to meet people and as interesting and fun as they come Im not interested.
I guess Im tired of it, for now.

I'll just have to get over it the hard way. Meanwhile
Ill focus on my goals.

As ridiculous as they seem they are realistic I ust need to sacrifice some of the things I love to do
and replace them for a while.

Who knows, I might attract different type of individuals then the ones I usually go for.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

It's a great day to...sit and relax

Im taking about two weeks from running. Today was the first day and gosh, I feel great!
Usually I feel good after a run but Im so fatigued that not running at all makes me feel better!
I feel less stressed and more relaxed. woo.


It's almost thanksgiving, perfect time to go on a diet/.. :p



Wednesday, November 18, 2009

moment of truth.

Sometimes you gotta dig deep, when problems come near
Don't fear things get severe for everybody everywhere
Why do bad things happen, to good people?
Seems that life is just a constant war between good and evil
The situation that I'm facin, is mad amazin
to think such problems can arise from minor confrontations
Now I'm contemplatin in my bedroom pacin
Dark clouds over my head, my heart's racin
Suicide? Nah, I'm not a foolish guy
Don't even feel like drinking, or even gettin high
Cause all that's gonna do really, is accelerate
the anxieties that I wish I could alleviate
But wait, I've been through a whole lot of other shit, before
So I oughta be able, to withstand some more
But I'm sweatin though, my eyes are turnin red and yo
I'm ready to lose my mind but instead I use my mind
I put down the knife, and take the bullets out my nine
My only crime, was that I'm too damn kind

-gangstarr

Sometimes

before I go to bed I write something in here and feel like I am sending out a message for someone out there to read. When I awake I feel like someone read it and decide to leave another for the next person.

I dont know but I must be getting a little crazy.

Imake it happen.

I started off this school year horribly unorganized. I completely forgot who I am and the way I manage things. I am lucky I have B's this semester in my classes. I barely bought any books, my backpack was my sports bag, I had no folder, binder, agenda, my writing utensils were always misplaced, and worst of all most of my homework was done the day of or right before. It is all my fault for letting things get to me. However, cross country season is over, I will not have to be in a hurry in the morning and I can get all my stuff and organize it.
a to do list.


1. GET A DARN JOB!! (SO CLOSE)
2. Buy an agenda
3. Label and seperate all my work for my classes
4. Finish paying off my semester
5. Stop staying at school the whole day
6. Work out an hour at least everyday
7. Get back to basketball
8. DO SOME WINTER CLEANING!

All of these are my immediate short term "duties" that I NEED to do. Once that is all done I think my life will get stress free! Because honestly I am not the type that stresses, but for some reason this fall was like running into a wall everytime I tried taking a step forward.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Anyone else couldn't have said it better than Marilyn Monroe..

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust none but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

I Know what it is.

It's not meant to be! Im not suppose to see rocks falling from the sky that can be considered shooting stars.
It's ok, I wanted to wake up at 4 am and go to the top fo the world to just seee the sky, it's not like I was going to go and see anything else right? I mean there was no meteor shower that was all just people halucinating. I didn't see anything so nobody else did and that is that. I have convinced myself that I did not waste my time going up there. HAHA. Mayb it was because I would have thought that it was a shooting star or something, and might have ended up making some wish that could go wrong like my last one?

Monday, November 16, 2009

mission.

hmmm. I wonder if my contax camera can take pictures of tonights meteor shower.

Im going to go up to the top of the world. :D



!!

Whats this feeling i am feeling? oO

Filled with thrill, excitment, joy, curiousity. Why? I really do not know why. Nothing exciting is coming up that has me waiting impatiently. Soccer tournament? Turkey trot? No. I think it's just a matter of healing. It has been roughly about two months now, I should not be hurthing any more right? I mean I tried and fought for it, I know that, you know that, she knows that, everyone knows that. I have no reason to blame myself or keep holding onto anything.

However, there hasn't been a day where I have not thought about it. And not until that day comes where you stop crossing my mind, will I be sure that I am completely over you. But until then, I have to live with that thought.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

For some reason

Im feeling

ha ha hap happ.. happy...(:

I have a confession.

I have a thing for chandelier earrings!


Sobre toda cosa guardada, Guarda tu corazon porque de el emana la vida.

Over every protected thing, Protect your heart because from it will you emanate life.

.

You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

this is fact not fiction.

A lack of Color.

Tomorrow is not Promised.

I really do not even know what to say or how to put it into words.
I watched 2012 . It was a pretty decent movie but the concept was great.
I really wish I can remember completely what one of the lines was from the movie
but I cant. Everytime now that I go on a run, a walk, or simply just look outside if i look down and see a crack on the floor I will automatically think, What if today was the day? It may be just a movie, but what if today was the day it all ended? Who will you call? Who will you try and create you peace with? Will you forgive everyone that has ever hurt you? Will you run to your loved ones? or will you be selfish and find a way to save yourself? It is a scary thought, mainly because for me I start thinking what about everything I, you, they worked for? What happens after? On the other hand I do not feel as bad, my conscience is clean because one thing i know is tht I do not hold grudges against anyone, so i forgive you all even if you have not done anything...yet.  

"The moment we stop fighting for ourselves, that is when we become INHUMANE"


THE END.

XC SEASON IS OVER!

It was a long one!
No more waking up at 5am!
Now it'll be 6am.


Friday, November 13, 2009

84



Woo. Thank you thank you!
Final race of the season is tomorrow.
This season was not fun at ALL!
I never quite looked forward to racing or had that
motivation to try my hardest so that
I can try and make a reputation for my school.
I did not feel like suffering for my team mates
and honestly, I didnt feel like encouraging them

Now that it is ending I can focus
and go for what I want. A goal that I set during my summer
but did not fully accomplish.
I will train myself, Im going to gain a bit of "meat"
because frankly, I have reached the point where Im tired
of feeling scrawny. And by meat i dont mean get chunky but simply
get lean and cut. Next year you wont even recognize me.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

One more for today.

I heard a song I wanted to learn to play on the guitar but never could!




And If I could swim...

Im

a very weird person.

I like being alone.
But then I complain about being alone.
Nobody understands me and I dont think anyone ever will.
Im very peculiar.
Very eccentric.
Normal.
Paranormal.
Odd.
Pensive.
Curious.
Stupid.
Smart.


.....

As soon as I can scan

my pictures Im going to put up one picture or two a day and talk about it :D



I wonder

How would I react if someone came up to me and tried taking a swing at me?

I have felt like just getting out of the car and fighting someone lately. As harsh as that sounds. It will have to be someone who looks like a douche. Now Im just being judgmental but its a temporary thing. I guess because I want that thrill of getting into conflict!! ;]






I think my victim is going to have to be Vic when I see him walking. haha

Tuesdays and Thursdays

I dread them sooo much!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

We Were Soldiers

Is Intense!!

Winter winter oh my winter



Just take out the flamboyant dude and put me in that jacket! yeah.

Taylor Hadden

Happy Veterans Day!


even though youre not quite a veteran yet..;]



you will get one of my sexy texts later on :D

Publish Post

I think we need to stop all this gibberish.
Well from the most part the people on my blogs who follow me.
Most of us talk about love love love love. I am a part of that too.
Its kind of depressing because I keep hearing it or reading about it and
all the problems it brings and it just "sadfd sdfh;l'
6734r" that was just me cramping up ah!!
fawwwwk.
anyways I was saying it is just depressing me even more and making me
want to feel it even less!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hey you.

There is so much more to you and I could not even see it.







:D

Can we have a normal Conversation?






Lets talk about relations
Lets talk about self motivation
Lets talk about how our lives are
Lets talk about how we all have scars
Lets talk about our favorite season
Lets talk about why things happen for a reason
Lets talk about your guy, my girl
Lets talk about how this world is in such a fucked up swirl
Lets talk about our goals in life
Lets talk about how we shoot for that first time high
Lets talk about our addictions
Lets talk about how our stories have become fiction
Lets talk about our what if's 
Lets talk about our last kiss
Lets talk about what we would never talk about
Lets talk about anything
Lets talk about everything
Lets talk about what we never dared
because we were too scared.

fml

tuesdays

Monday, November 9, 2009

VICTOR

SACK UP YEAH!?!

:O















Control me to help me escape. Create an Alternative for me so I can delete all these past memories.

late night, early morning.

It's going to be a late night! Early Morning.


Work Work Work.
1 am?
2 am?
3am?


Shoootme. - - -  D   

Speak now or forever hold your peace!

Write me a simple letter.



before its too late.

resorting to this

hmm. Everything is set to place, but now it seems like im rushing through life! Im not kidding, I am in a hurry to get through this school year and the days are flying by. I have not stopped and enjoyed ONE second, hour, day of it. All I really know is that there are a few more months to this year, and once it is over...EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT! I am more that positive that I will not be bringing any of these problems along with me.

I can finish school and then transfer out. I can stop worrying about catching up,or any further distractions, I can keep moving as much as it hurts me, I can finally have a year where Ill understand the meaning of feeling renewed.


If I've learned anything I'd have to say "SACK UP!" famous quote from runner Victor Serrano, aha. Im not going to let things get in the way of how my attitude is because i've heard " your attitude determines your latitude, well im high as a mtrfkr and fly as a mtrfkr." I was talking to an ex yesterday and I must say it was relieving. I do not have it as bad as I think with girls, I just really need to not get my hopes up as much. Sooner or later she'll come along, sure of it.

Running running running, it sucks. It really does, having to wake up at 5 in the morning and go run these darn stupid repeats or 40 minute "easy" runs. but you know what, I wont trade it for anything! It keeps me balanced, if it was not for that who knows. Im not the type that stresses much but for some reason these damn few months have really crawled inside my skin. I was planning on training for marathons and using it as an excuse to travel out into other cities, but I think I will get done with school first. Anybody want to be a part of TEAM CASTRO?

The parentals! wooo. A tough pair they are. I mean things have been better, Im not getting scolded as much, maybe because im not boxing myself in as much as I was by staying in my room all day or being away from the house. Even my dogs miss me, I took my fellow Wall-E to Top of The World, my spot, and it was soo relaxing!

If you havent noticed yet, Im just talking about some issues I have had and Im not trying to become all formal about it. Im jsut being my plain self that you would hear talking on any given day. Do not take it to seriously, there is some humor into this mainly because Im not trying to show how effed up my life is when it isn't all that bad. Its just a temporary thing thats in this season.

Friday, November 6, 2009

FAWK!

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck,
Im proud to say I am almost over it! It? Her? whatever it is. BUT! i think the only thing keeping me from completely putting it behind me is that I REALLY miss having someone I can talk to and that I can take out! SHOOT! 


Monday, November 2, 2009

asdfghjkl;

One less problem to deal with!
Wooooo.
Cant wait for the new year even though it really doesnt mean anything will be new its the mental aspect of it that makes you feel renewed. I know what I want to do with myself but as for now ill wait til i get the chance to start the transfooohhrmashion!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Confessions of an Alcoholic





After seeing everything yesterday! Im never drinking!!! haha

remind me


of what loving life was like?

Friday, October 30, 2009

goodnight.


Losing the grip


Im losing it, but you know what I dont care.
Thing after thing i keep getting bad news.
They arent major dramatic life changing events or anything
its just the little things that over time can really change
the way people think. Its like Ice, the longer you keep your feet in it, the less and less you
actually feel anything. Well the longer problems keep occurring the less and less you care about them.
Tomorrow I have a race and I know for a fact it is my last race. I would be disappointed but
Im not going to be, I have too much to worry about. I have been getting over everything and forgetting what
it felt like to be next to her, forgetting how I use to be, forgetting what the sense of accomplishment felt like.
I dont care though, that just means I make new plans, regenerate myself and start over.
It is never too late to try and change yourself.
Change for the good that is.
I know ill become a better and bigger person that what I was a couple weeks/months ago.
Good thing is new years is just around two corners right?

I wish so much...too bad

so much for you
so much for me
so much for everything we planned to be

too bad for us
too bad for them
too bad for everything we ever said

I wish i could
I wish you would
I wish for everything to be better understood...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

fawwkkk!

im upset with myself!
I lost my wallet again!!


2x!

Geeez!


I dont know what to say!
Its like the Class of 2009 took everything and left OH TEN?! with nothing!
My sister comes home from a cross country meet and I ask her how did the guys do?
She couldnt even say they did okay seriously.
I kind of feel ashamed because it took three guys to build up the program from scratch and hold up three league titles for three whole years in a row and seems like we would of taught at least one underclassmen something but results and actions show we did not. I go back every once and a while to check up on them and their mentality is so weak! Their mind set is set up for the very least and worse of all they are scared! The sad part is...they admit it. Fortunately, we switch out and go to a lower league next year...isnt that a benefit...

Soundless exposure


Im not liking this anymore,
I mean, people now getting blogs.
I feel like im talking to everyone
and i know its public but in my head
it seemed private
like nobody read it but it was still out there.
i felt that slight relief.
And now it feels like im just complaining to the world.

Lets go in the darkroom ;]

So I have a new hobby!
I have had this photography class for two months now and I found it somewhat interesting but not so much. Maybe it was cause the teacher is so stoic and boring and is always telling us what to do, how to do it, and TO DO IT. Its not all that amusing that way. But recently, I have been going alone and it is so much more relaxing! It is a hassle, however, you have to set up everything and then put it away. Aside from that, I love it! Its called free printing. They way you do that is by taking pictures of course, then you develop the FILM which is the worse part because in total it takes about an hour and thirty(imagine that for a set of 36 shots) then you move into the dark room! It gets a bit frightening sometimes, especially when I start remembering that movie SHUTTER! Anyways, from there you pick an image and you enlarge it shine the light at it and put it in the chemistry! Simple! The thing i like most is when you see the picture gradually coming to life! I enjoy the fact that it is like Photo shop but with one filter and none of the tools. If you want your picture with better values you shine more light if you don't you shine less light. If you ever have the chance to use a darkroom do it!!  oh and btw its not for this ok.  >>

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

break the barrier!

How I dont like Ulysses right now but at the same time I do.
He told me I suck at going up to people, which I do.
So im going to try to get over the fear of getting rejected and feeling stupid.
Im going to think of a buncha things to say to the girl I decide to
want to know why? Because I know that what i want to say is not going to come out as it is in my head
which is the fun part!! And sometimes I just like that feeling of doing something that to me is internally "adventurous." I must be the lamest person now but I dont care. Hey thats the first step to this fear or is it accepting that you have a problem? hmmmm.

Today is a Wednesday.

Lets start with my day :]
I woke up at 5 am
Went to school and it was FREEZING! Had one of the toughest workout yet!


I was in a group of three
me, my teammate and me; physiologically
We began running our mile at a certain race pace
the winds were hectic, coming right towards our faces
It was intense but we got through it.
By around the 4th one my body was aching
I felt like laying down but i didnt.
I completed it.
We had two more and these two would be the toughest because were all already worn out
I completed it.
We had 4 400's to go.
Take in mind this is not on the track its a course filled with branches, hills and stones.
This was walking into hell.
My body was collapsing and worst of all my mind was rattling.
I felt like puking and fainting.
I lost my necklace, my emblem!
Discouraged, I completed it.

I learned today that I can REALLY do anything if I choose to endure the pain.
I have had times where I really dont try because I do not want to hurt. I convince myself that I am doing okay. COMPLACENCY. The worst thing. As a runner I should not be complacent. I should never limit myself and If i reach my goals well then I should make tougher ones. If I hit those, then I should make even tougher ones! When one becomes complacent with oneself they begin believing that that is their best effort. I cant picture where I'm heading with this "running painting" I have drawn in my head but I can sure draw something of where I would want to be.

You + Me Can never be.

:D so i happened to see H&C at GBAY!


I fear that I will always be
A lonely number like root three
A three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sigh
Beneath a vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine
For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic
I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality
When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three
Has quietly come waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer
We break free from our mortal bonds
And with a wave of magic wands
Our square root signs become unglued
And love for me has been renewed.

Whats that rumbling?

Winter is on its way! nothing like good Southern California temperature.
So its back, soon enough it will start raining and it will be super cold! Its time to go and buy your coats and warm gloves so you can lay the fireplace with the lights off while you take sips of that sweet cup of hot cocoa and a thick furry blanket that seems to cover just about everything exept the very tip of your toes while you lay on a very comfy pillow. Anything better than that? Well if youre the lucky one you will have youre loved ones or more specificaly, significant other right by you sharing the warmth and sharing the same feeling. Unofortunately for me I dont have that so I think ill just bring my dog inside.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

lets start with something new tomorrow



take a new route and the way this blog is going.

Oscar

you take a deep breath.
You did what you could
and you know you tried
so lay down flip those covers
and say goodnight.

you? me? and whats in between?

and when im sad and
my heart grows weary
i'll know what to do
ill go outside
and sing this song
i've written just for fun

and i'll sing
everything
will be fine

con.fuss.D

hmmm.

its Tuesday, October 27, 2009.

im clueless about what i should type.


Monday, October 26, 2009

peculiarity


When will this curiousity die out.
its killing me. Am i the only one like this?!
Shit, I hate this aftermath and thee after, after that.
It seems to go away for some time then it quickly makes its way back.
This wondering of how everything is going, it drives me insane.
I try to turn back from it but all it does is put me in vain.
I know i should create an alternative road
But that same road leads me back to my source
I want to become amnesiac, mentally incapable
of remembering what Im completely capable
as in loving and caring
for another persons life time memories
Gosh how do I rid of it
this sweet simple oddity.
Die out already you craving curiosity !

Penny for your thoughts

Can I have a penny, for your thoughts?
As a matter of fact how about three
One penny for you
One penny for me
And one penny for our minds engaged
Not so sexually
Getting intimately closer
As we approach the climactic altitude
Of nude mental sensational conversation
cuz I’m trying to get to know everything about you
from the neck UP
So these are not your typical sexual poetical prose
I’m trying to close the door of an all too familiar freaky foreplay game
With which most people have chosen to approach you
While they’re trying to get deeply embedded in the fine fibers of your bed sheets
I’m trying to find and define the fibers with which your mind speaks
I want to engage you by putting a two carat solitaire diamond on your mind
and marrying your every thought
I want to lick every inch of every crevice so I can get an oral fix from each orifice
and taste your passionate imagination
I’d rather be naked and exposed holding you as we’re lying
And your crying while confiding and describing the tough times you had in life
And how you don’t know if you can keep a relationship
Long enough to be somebody’s wife
I want to feel the heartbeat of all your inner rhythms as they lead me towards your
warm wet waterfalls of feminine thoughts
And I’ll swim within ‘em from back strokes to breast strokes
I’m penetrating every entrance to your mind
Taking my time to find out everything about you
Did I ever tell you about how you fell asleep in my presence?
And your mere essence kept me up for hours
As I coward with this feel of a sexually unadulterated mental connection
And as you laid by my side I pushed my blinds aside
And took the time in the moonlight of that night
To county seventy-two eyelashes on the upper eyelid of your right eye
Because as you sleep
As you sleep they remain open slightly
And while we probably move too quickly into some sexual stuff
I’ve always cared more about the explicitly illicitness
that came from between your lips meaning your voice
so now I’m standing here ready to trade in all the sexual acts that we perform
for the chance to reform the very foundation and basis of our relationship
and I reiterate my opening statement
And I offer you another penny for your thoughts


Gemineye

Upcoming.

Conference Championships @ Prado Park October 31st
Santa Barbara October 31st
Supergirls Cday! November 5
Turkeytrot sometime in November
I need a job in November 
LasVegas Marathon Possibly in December

moretocome!

its a good morning.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

ill make it easier for both of us


It still doesn't make sense to me and im still not fully convinced but like you said ill still have you in my heart with that little box full of hope for you incase you ever change youre mind (:
adieu.

I swear


not by the moon nor the stars in the sky. People are so afraid of getting hurt! It really is unfair that they become so traumatized from past occurrences that they are blocking out anything that tries to come through. I have been stomped on many times and it may seem like I don't learn my lesson but I do except that i build myself up to the way I use to. I do not pretend and act like I have no heart, or go around with every girl from the start, I try to get to know one before I put them apart from all the others that really have no heart. That act like they don't need anyone, because if they dont then why waste time on them if they wont need me? It gets so complicated, this thing called LOVE. Its simple really, god should really grab a key and throw the thought of trying to fight against that will and bury it somewhere on a hill. I know it hurts and even if it punches you right in the gut it will heal, there are no such things as broken hearts, or you will die, just wounded ones. It is a funny thing though, and it really amuses me that I see guys and girls pretending to be heartless and have that dgaf mentality. I don't get it what do you accomplish? Preventing from being heart-break free? Shows how scared you really have grown to be. Just let things be dont fight it just accept it.

do you live strong?


Saturday, October 24, 2009

you upset me.

So if she can, i can too
Ill delete everything
the pictures, the messages, number, even the instant messaging.
Ill reboot myself but keep the files i need most
It shows how low someone can go
But im not caring anymore, its all getting old
my hearts been through too much its getting so cold
i try to write things to make me feel better
it works, but i think just writing up letters would make things even better

it hurts


to know that person you once knew
no longer knows you
it hurts to know that that person will do what it
takes to make sure they never remember you
to forget anything that makes them remind them of you
to try and block out what ever is about you
as if you dont even exist or ever cared for you
it hurts to know that selfishness is around you
nobody actually cares they just worry for you
so if it is going to be like this, then ill pretend like i never knew you.

So I went to a wedding today. Not just any ordinary wedding where you get the fancy rented out building and have the chefs cooking your dinner, and the very formal dance floor, but to one of those pretty-well fixed up backyard weddings. You know where they have the gazebos placed all around and have one piece of cement which is considered the dance floor type wedding. I mean I don't have a problem with that, the problem was the couple. It was not you're grown adults who are about to reach their high 20's but two simple teenagers or so "young adults" of the age 18!! The whole thing was so negative it makes me have second thoughts about ever getting married! hah. I mean everybody was like they are too young, they don't know what they're doing, its a mistake...but they're still happy for them? Any who's Ive known this girl for about 9 years and sorta grew up with her and to see her get married like this was sort of depressing. If you are happy then I mean sure go ahead, but this was absolutely not happiness of any sort from scrutinizing her reactions to the gifts, dancing, and just being with the "husband." It seemed so fake, so things like this just sometimes make you wonder is marriage still as serious as it use to be or are people considering it as one step forward you can easily step back from if you're not content?

You're Love Is Black. - Kaskade


Look out to the calm sea
I don't know why that I want to cry
When I feel this high
Nature seems to know me
So many times she's been below me
And so I sit and we dream
As my soul she tries to lift

Seems I lost my way last night
But I was reborn by daylight.
Seems I get another chance
Another chance to dance away
Now you bring your loving back
But don't you know your love is black?
And now your here pooring in the dark
'Cause you can't see inside my heart

Look out, your love is black
Look out, your love is black
Look out, your love is black

Close my eyes, and I can breathe
I can feel
What is right, what is true, what is real

Seems you lost your way last night
You were back here by daylight
And now your words are black and cold
And your lies are tired and old
Nature is calming me
'Cause your love was harming me
And now I shed that colder harm
I wasn't safe there in your arms

Look out, your love is black
Look out, your love is black
Look out, your love is black

It's true I loved you once
It's true you were once mine

I lost my way
I Lost my way
'Cause I lost my way
I lost my way
I lost my way

Friday, October 23, 2009

nocturnally inactive.
























I've had some rough nights
And sometimes I wake up and feel like pulling out my deserted piano
from under my bed.
Playing a song, something like Where'd you go? I miss you so.

And sometimes I wake up because I get this nightmare,
not those ghostly encounters type shit
but where you reappear and are there with me type shit
the type where you're content in your imaginary bubble
but its all fake and wish you never awake but when the best part comes
it all goes away type shit.

And sometimes I wake up because Ive slept so much
so much it feels like I have hypersomnia and such
the type where you cant fall back asleep so now
it feels like I have Insomnia and such
So I take a pill and hope to fall asleep
but all that happens is I stay awake and happen to weep


And sometimes I wake up because I hear my phone ringing
and Im hoping its you calling but its just my alarm ticking
Its 5 am and a new day's beginning
So i get up look at myself and  it all starts repeating...

Im hanging onto an untied rope.


What do you do?
On a night like this.
trying to look through the darkness is my only bliss.
Who do you talk to?
yourself?
What do you talk about?
Who do you talk about?

Im becoming so blunt with myself, or could it be I dont have anything to say?
I could speak of today, tomorrow, mayb yesterday?
what good would that do?
bringing up things that will only remind me of you...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I tend to be on this too much.

I spend hours typing up things. Most to be saved as drafts...

Fraudulent.















Lets start with the truth,
I want to be on top of the world
Not alone but there just me and you.
I want to be able to go wherever we want
forget about money, school, and all those typical issues.
I want to roam the fields side by side
not only that but maybe sit at home and watch cartoons
I want to be able to do whatver we want
to watch movies all night and fall asleep to ScoobyDoo?
I want to show you my passion and affection
sit outside and watch clouds pass by the sky blue
I want things to work and make you happy
but I know it wont happen because youre not real, youre untrue.

Why not date myself?

Everywhere I go, I see cute people with ugly people
And I can’t help but to ask myself, “what does she see in that guy?”
Inner beauty? Well I have a whole lot of that.
I see these happy couples and I used to think, “what do I have to do to get a girl like that?”
And then that evolved into, “what do I have to do to get a girl?”
Now I’m exhausted from thinking
Fatigued from trying to convince myself that I’m worthy of another being
Tired of looking but not really looking so it doesn’t appear that I’m desperate
Weary of being afraid to tell someone that I’m interested
In fear that they will avoid me
Consumed from being alone
No longer will I be at the mercy of women to like me
No longer will I try to look my best for women that don’t know that I’m in love with them
No, all that is finished. Finito. Complete-o, no more-o
From now on, I’m dating myself
I mean I’ve already talked to myself so I know my conversations will be good
I’ve always said I wanted to be with someone that’s just like me
Well, there’s no one more like me than me
It’s not like I’m dating my cousin or nothing
I looked it up. There’s nothing in the law books that say a man can’t date himself
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before
I amaze myself sometimes
I laugh and joke with myself on a lonely day
Praying hard for better days
Now we can get through the rough times together
No one to impress but myself
I mean I’ll probably still play games with myself
Cry to myself, lie to myself ‘cause I hate to hurt myself’s feelings
I’ll only be looking out for myself though
But you know how women are
Once they see you with someone, all sudden, now they wanna get with ya
All sudden I’m that cute guy that is dating someone now
Well I assure you I’m not doing this to make other women jealous
I am completely happy with myself
I like myself. I think I’m attractive.
Plan to be with myself ‘til the very end
Or until someone better comes along

Poetri

what we want.

I want a love like
Me thinking of you
Thinking of me thinking of you type love
Or me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself
About how I feel about you type love
Or hating how jealous you are
But loving how much you want me all to yourself type love
Or see how your first name just sound so good next to my last name
And shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you
And I barely made it out of my garage

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep
And wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type love
Or who loves the other more
Or what she’s doing this exact moment
Or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts
Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good
Could hurt so much when she’s not there
And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type love
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
All around the how she she never forgets how much I love her type love
And not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type love
And hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel

And I want to deal with my friends making fun of me
The way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love
Only difference is, this is one of those real love type loves
And just like in high school
I want to spend hours on the phone not saying shit
And then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me
And smell her all up in my covers type love
I want to try counting the ways I love her
And lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over again
And I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries
Even though they ain’t really anniversaries
But doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type love
And, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays
When none of us dialed into it type love
And talk to you until I lose my breathe
She leaves me breathless
But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan
To something allows me to talk to her longer
‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves
And I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time
To love you as long as I’d like to type love
And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter
Just thinking about how strong this love is type love
And I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
Maybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustache
But it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for her

And check this, I kind of feel comfortable now
So I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light
Just dying to get hit by a car
Just so I could lose my memory
Get transported to some third world country just to get treated
Then somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with you
In a different language and see if it still feels the same type love
I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is
But I dont have her, so when i find her she’s gonna be the one I share this love with

S.

Dicen

Dicen que los amores vienen y van
Dicen que de los amores unos se olvidan
Dicen que del amor uno pierde el tiempo
Dicen que del amor a uno le queda el arrepentimiento

Pero lo que no dicen es lo que pasa en realidad
Que hay veces que no todo es verdad
Hay personas que no tienen tanta suerte
Porque no tienen el corazón tan fuerte

Hay personas positivas que quedan con un corazón partido
Porque lo que sentían era muy fuerte para sus sentidos
Lo que sintieron era mucho para explicar
Tanto que no les quedaban las ganas de fortificar

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I was

going to stop posting blogs because I keep talking about the same subject but.....


SUPERGIRL is going to start "reblogging"??

the end.


I Bite my tongue while you have none.

"I was gonna spell it out
In detail but
I dropped the call
Before I spilled my guts
The floor stayed clean
Like my conscience would be
'Cause if you heard anything
You didn't hear it from me


In the morning I was thinking about how I was so afraid of confrontations. I still am but not as much as I was before. It was one of my fears that im gradually learning to overcome. I really hate how it feels when you want to ask something but you just let it slip away because you're worrying about making yourself look dumb. There is that kind of simple feeling of rejection but then there is the much more intense type. Like telling a girl how you feel, asking somebody on a date, going up to someone you do not know, and when you need to tell something to someone but you cant.



I bite my tongue a lot! I see many many girls that I would go up to but I dont because I worry that they will reject me! its horrible but I choose to live with that burden. I am a hypocrite though. Most of the time I do not have the gut to tell what is on my mind to someone but I want them to tell me what they are "REALLY" thinking. An example: "I have to go" just say "i dont like you bye" haha. I mean that would be so much more helpful! People tend to imply what they mean a lot, sugar-coating, so it will not seem as bad as it really is. I wish I could read peoples minds so I can know who to stay away from ahead of time and who to go after.


Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear"




A life without You

Its not so much being alone, but being without you that hurts. Lay awake endless nights while I sleep the dreadful days away. Wither wither ..lifeless lyfe, for no sun nor moon can give me light, no miracle hope for faith is dead. And no courage to never wake. Piece by piece lost to hell. Heavens close before thine eyes. And peace is resting by your side. Breath is taken. No air remains. A feeling of choke yet no end. Tears run dry for there’s no emotion left in this heart of mine. Lies escape my lips holding more truths yet bear the essence of everything meaningless, for lyfe without you is not as it should be. Time, gives more life than me. Ticking pulse. How can I compete? For I am merely a tool that shows how time has used me. Bloodshot eyes say more than a thousand scars; no justice served , as my mind is forced to insomniac time. Taken from me…soul ravaged…u tell me y should I forgive? Limitations don’t exist. Impossible is me. I breathe without my air. And I live without my heart. Ticc ticc tocc…..
-BFF! M.P.

my heart is left in crutches.

At least I have something holding me up.



This phase of writing about how everything hurts and doesnt work out is slowly making its way out of the door. I think this might be my biggest alleviation. Though I am afraid that if I make my progress but have not created a strong enough base, will it instantly come back if IT ever crosses my path?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

my biggest fear.


There are many things I hate about life because the things that make you stronger are the worst. When you try to forget about something or someone, it just knows how to make you remember whether its in movies, songs, objects, pictures, locations etc. In this occasion when you loose someone you really cared for I SWEAR that in everything you hear or see your mind finds a way to connect it with them. How exactly would you deal with that? I mean I have been through this once and it was maybe not as worse but almost equivalent, the thing that helped me prevail was the fact that I was younger and my love for other things began emerging. Now, its like your getting older and time is narrowing down and you're just on the move to not end up by yourself you're whole life. Do you just let life go by and hope for the best? or are you suppose to go out and do something about it? What if...you grow old alone?

haha!

so i was re reading one of my blogs, and i found out i messed up...!

im going

to need a pill to keep me awake for today...

Monday, October 19, 2009

THIS PUTS THE BIGGEST SMILE

on my face.


changes


I really thought fondly of this topic along with disdain. Most of my realizations and most honest thoughts come while im running so here I go.




When you see somthing or hear about something that really really dissapoints you, most likely, you tend to overreact and throw your instant thoughts at it. Its the very few that learn to control that and be calm about certain situations. However, my imperfections have risen above and beyond lately and Im glad they have because it shows what I really need to work on.


I have scrutinized myself and have been trying to see how have I changed in the past months. I havent. I put myself in the eyes of others from different aspects and point of views. What is going on is a temporary thing, I have lost patience and might not be as gullible as before but thats a natural thing that developed over certain causes. I still respect people, know how to act and what to say and what not to say(even if sometimes i might get carried away) I still pour my heart to others because i dont think that just because one person threw that away that the next should not recieve the same, I still put the abundant amount of "haha's" to everything, and realistically I still think jello is the best thing ever.


However, there are the unnoticeable changes; the changes that people will not be able to see, the changes that prepare me for any future attacks. Those are the ones that will allow me to not break down as easily as I have. The reason why I wont take anything that has happened back.

I will sure as hell miss it but its not something I regret.

Our past is a story only existing in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it.